TinyDad

By Chris “Zippo” Labedz

Gas is ridiculously expensive right now, but it’s not just drivers that are feeling the pinch. Arsonists are the forgotten victims of this economic downturn.

Have you ever tried to start a house on fire by rubbing two sticks together?

Well, if gas prices continue to rise, you may get home from work and find your friendly neighborhood arsonist doing just that. And let’s face it, that’s a situation that’s going to be awkward for everyone.

In hopes of avoiding that scenario, we’ve put together a few tips to help arsonists save money on fuel:

1) Check Your Ego At The Door
It may hurt your pride, but even the classiest arsonists have to know when to make sacrifices. If you’re using premium fuel, downgrade to regular unleaded until this whole gas crisis thing blows over.

2) Choose Your Targets Wisely
Back when gas was a couple bucks a gallon, you could afford to douse the entire house in fuel. Unfortunately, it’s not the 90s anymore. Things have changed and so should your strategy. Dial it back a bit. Do you really need to set that foosball table on fire? Why not steal it instead? It’ll make an awesome story for your next dinner party.

Also, avoid spending too much time (and fuel) trying to set birthday candles on fire. You never know when they could be those trick kind. Nothing makes an arsonist look more like a sucker than a trick birthday candle.

3) Befriend Drew Barrymore
Can’t even afford a drop of gasoline? Then it’s time to go nuclear. If you’ve seen Firestarter (and what self-respecting arsonist hasn’t) then you know what she can do. Try sending her a fruit basket or something. It can’t hurt.

Chris Labedz is the editor-in-chief of Arson Digest, a monthly magazine for arsonists.

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